A Dark Night

The moon rose. Slowly and purposefully it climbed from some dark depth and chased away the darkness that was chilling my heart, and even my soul. It had been a long night again as sleep just never seemed important enough to embrace. There was always something more pressing, something new to learn, some bridge to cross, a new experience to know.

This night seemed like any other night. I started simply and did my normal workout. Presses, curls, a few minutes on the bag, then cardio until I felt I was burning enough. Someday I wanted to be at a solid weight, but there was no goal, no worry, just a longing inside of me, to be all that I needed to be.

Wiping the sweat from my brow I took a long drink of water. It was cold, crisp and refreshing and though it was in a bottle, it was just tap I had set aside. The best thing about bottled water was using the bottles over. No big deal. I chuckled as I cooled down a little. Before I went back into the den, I did 20 more curls, just to prove I could.

The fireplace crackled like mystically generated pop rocks as I walked in the den. The glow of the fire cast eerie shadows on the walls. I had no need for light, I knew the house perfectly. As such I often left the lights off, and let the fire do the rest. I sat down on the not so comfy futon. I had bought this thing as a temporary place to sit while I decided how to change my den around. Instead it became a fixture. Not being solid enough for me, I spent more time tipping the flimsy couch over than sitting on it, but it looked OK in the corner and gave me a place to think.

That is what I needed tonight. I sat down and got comfortable while watching the fireplace dance. The golden flames fought with the molten embers and my mind began to drift. I knew it was about 4 AM and I would have to sleep soon, so instead I let my mind wander further and felt the uplifting feeling of light dreaminess that released me into the land of wispy dreams and “between” sleep. It was here that I started out so peaceful, those few minutes where time stands still and life can be drawn out forever. It was here I had solved so many problems. I had been told of my time in the sleep where I spoke of computer problems, and work with solutions, where I designed code, and found later it worked, and saw solutions where problems existed before. Tonight was no different.

I wandered through this dreamy land and met with my daughter. At 19 she was a pretty young lady and was on her way to college again. As she got into her car I noticed something in the back seat, something dark and foreboding. I tried to move but was walking through air as think as marshmallow cream as I pressed to get to her. I yelled to her to get out and no sound escaped my lips as she drove away. In my dreams I am lucent and I knew it was a dream somewhere in my mind and turned to find my van. Although it was not in the dream a moment ago, I turned and I knew it would be there. I got in, somehow released from the molten prison I had been stuck in and began to race after her dwindling car. I did not know what was going on for sure, but I knew I needed to be there for my daughter, I knew I HAD to be there.

The V8 roared as I pressed the van for more speed, and I closed the gap quickly. I could now see the darkness in the car writhing in the back seat and my daughter driving, yet oblivious to its presence. I laid on the horn and saw her look to me. She was inquisitive as usual but pulled over rapidly as she knew I would not do something like this lightly. I leapt from my van and sprang to her car with easy motions that I should have been able to complete minutes ago. Was it minutes? This was a dream was it not?

Yes, I knew again that this was a dream and pressed forward and opened her door. She asked questions but I pulled her from the car and stepped back. As I did the darkness oozed forward and slowly consumed the car and all within. My daughter screamed and I began to pull her away from the darkness which was hungrily moving towards us. The darkness crept towards us and again I felt the marshmallow thickness of the air around us. I pushed my daughter ahead of me, and we struggled away in whatever way we could. The darkness was coming, and how could I save her? How could I save her from what I could not defeat?

I envisioned a pistol in my coat, and it was there. It was a dream, but I felt the cool grip of my Glock 17 and sighted it on the darkness. 2, 4, 6, 10 shots fired though the air but I barely heard them through the muffled area, and they went no where, did nothing. The darkness crept forward like a monster from a bad horror movie and I knew this had to end, but the father inside of me kept me from just letting go, and waking up. Always the “what if” in my mind let me embrace what was necessary! In my mind, this was necessary. I picked up my daughter, effortlessly and threw her, I knew it would not be far, but it would be enough, she would be able to get away, she would be OK. I turned and faced the writhing darkness, and this time instead of fighting I walked into the it. The brutal cold surrounded me and enveloped all that I was, but I knew my daughter was safe and as the darkness began to close upon me I paused.

I opened my eyes, and saw the flicker of the fireplace dancing at me, burning away the cold of the darkness I had just faced. It was only a few moments ago, or so I thought, but it could have been hours. I looked outside and watched the sun rise. Slowly and purposefully it climbed from some dark depth and chased away the darkness that was chilling my heart, and even my soul. It had been a long night again as sleep just never seemed important enough to embrace, but tonight I had embraced it. In those few moment whether real or unreal, I had done the right thing, for my daughter and for myself.

A Passage

It seemed so long ago, yet only yesterday that he was barely walking. A few moments later he began to run, and now he runs with others, trying to find his place. The game is tense. So often I have pushed him too hard and tried to motivate him. Attempting to show him what he could be, and the things I saw him capable of, while not realizing at the time that all that had to come from inside. He ran again and again, his patient ways work against him now. Again he is thwarted, the ball taken from him as he allows another their chance. His mind is in turmoil and I feel for him, knowing that I cannot fix it this time. It has to come from somewhere he has not touched, somewhere I am sure is deep inside.

He looks at me, and I encourage from where I am. I try to be supportive but realize that if I push to hard he may break. Again he tries. Strength from inside develops before my eyes. Seeing it grow within him I start to smile and my stance tightens. His thin wiry legs propel him forward again. This time his coordination wins out. He pulls away, his concentration evident on a tightly worn brow. Though tense he seems under no strain as he runs behind the ball, guiding it with deft movements others can only dream of. His eyes look forward to his quarry, the last obstacle in his new beginning. He slides easily to the side as my heart races. To me it is a slow moment that seems never to end, his body sliding from side to side as his legs race beneath him. The cheers are deafening but I hear only the sound of my heart and seem to feel the pulsing of his. He moves forward, eyes glaring with a new determination born of the competitive spirit now struggling to become a part of him. He pushes forward, a quick lunge as his tendons flex and force the ball forward with unrealistic speed. Time stands still as the ball passes through the air and his quarry, desperate in his own way, struggles to outrun it. I can imagine sparks flying as the ball races forward and flies to its mark, passing by the net and the quarry to become his first goal.

He looks towards my wife and I and smiles. He has crossed over the threshold of uncertainty. Now and forevermore it will never be so hard again as it was this time. Though his doubts may tug and pull at him they will never again keep him from his goals. Looking forward he moves on, searching for the next point. I know now, deep in my heart, that soon he will understand, and each time will be easier than the last. I know that now, at least a little, he has moved forward to a new level and perhaps he will be able to set his own goals, not mine, and make them all.