A Passage

It seemed so long ago, yet only yesterday that he was barely walking. A few moments later he began to run, and now he runs with others, trying to find his place. The game is tense. So often I have pushed him too hard and tried to motivate him. Attempting to show him what he could be, and the things I saw him capable of, while not realizing at the time that all that had to come from inside. He ran again and again, his patient ways work against him now. Again he is thwarted, the ball taken from him as he allows another their chance. His mind is in turmoil and I feel for him, knowing that I cannot fix it this time. It has to come from somewhere he has not touched, somewhere I am sure is deep inside.

He looks at me, and I encourage from where I am. I try to be supportive but realize that if I push to hard he may break. Again he tries. Strength from inside develops before my eyes. Seeing it grow within him I start to smile and my stance tightens. His thin wiry legs propel him forward again. This time his coordination wins out. He pulls away, his concentration evident on a tightly worn brow. Though tense he seems under no strain as he runs behind the ball, guiding it with deft movements others can only dream of. His eyes look forward to his quarry, the last obstacle in his new beginning. He slides easily to the side as my heart races. To me it is a slow moment that seems never to end, his body sliding from side to side as his legs race beneath him. The cheers are deafening but I hear only the sound of my heart and seem to feel the pulsing of his. He moves forward, eyes glaring with a new determination born of the competitive spirit now struggling to become a part of him. He pushes forward, a quick lunge as his tendons flex and force the ball forward with unrealistic speed. Time stands still as the ball passes through the air and his quarry, desperate in his own way, struggles to outrun it. I can imagine sparks flying as the ball races forward and flies to its mark, passing by the net and the quarry to become his first goal.

He looks towards my wife and I and smiles. He has crossed over the threshold of uncertainty. Now and forevermore it will never be so hard again as it was this time. Though his doubts may tug and pull at him they will never again keep him from his goals. Looking forward he moves on, searching for the next point. I know now, deep in my heart, that soon he will understand, and each time will be easier than the last. I know that now, at least a little, he has moved forward to a new level and perhaps he will be able to set his own goals, not mine, and make them all.

Walls tumble down

The words “I do” echoed in my mind as I stood next to my friend. He had just gotten married and this was his reception. She had not interacted with my friends much before, always putting it off, never paying attention.

The music blared, and the voices drowned it out, but through it all I heard my wife call. I turned to see her. She was beautiful. She had recently lost weight and taken pride in herself in a way she had not since we married. Her hair glistened in the dim light as she walked towards me. The short white dress made her seem almost angelic and her careful grace made me thankful. We had our problems. For some time we had avoided them and when we tried to speak of them she often did not want to see my side. It is always interesting how two sides present themselves and some people can see both, and some neither care nor are able to see both, instead they just see a glimpse. The issues in our marriage were complex, I was born of passion, she was born of stability. I pushed the envelope in all ways, she held back and was reserved. I could make money easily and loved to work, she hated work but loved to spend. I was loving and romantic, she did not think this important. I was fire, she was water. It was different now, I thought she had seen more, I considered the possibility she had changed. After all she had come with me to my friend’s wedding, she was looking beautiful and the night was still young.

I went to her and held her. She smiled and in an instant I knew what I had to do, what I needed to do. I went to the DJ and asked for a request. All our marriage she had promised to dance slow with me. I had always respected that fast dancing was not what she wanted, even though I loved to dance. Here was our chance. Away from the kids it was time to build our relationship anew. I asked him to play the theme song from “Four Weddings and a Funeral”, her favorite song. I was disappointed he did not have it so I ran to the van to find my copy. I returned it to him thankful that I had a copy, asked him to play it and walked to her. It was time. Time to build fresh and time for us to understand one another. A promise was a promise and she would not break this one. The music began to play and I walked to her. I took her by the hand and smiled. She smiled back at my coyly. I asked her softly, “It’s our song, let’s dance”

I looked deeply into her eyes and saw confusion, embarrassment and more. She silently whispered, “No”

Shock ran through me. I doubted everything about myself for a moment and asked again.

Once again the answer came, “No.”

In her eyes and in my heart I knew that she had no intention of fulfilling her promise.

The anger flared through me. I had trusted again and once again been lied to. Millions of questions raced through my mind. Was there anyone out there that could be trusted? Why would she lie again? Was anyone capable of being real? What else was a lie?

Realization hit like a freight train as I struggled and tried to deny it. The truth is a difficult prospect and sometimes we avoid the truth and honestly believe people will change. In my mind now I finally knew the truth. It was over. This was the last lie I could take. Some people would say it was a simple thing. Something that could easily be overlooked. I knew different. I tried to make things work. After all, before man and god I had pledged the truth, and only been given a lie. How could I repair this break in trust. The echos of every lie I ad been told crashed through my mind faster than the speed of light as it dawned on me, the truth. What was the truth: all I had left were the lies.